You’re sitting with your child while they work on homework. They stare at a problem for a few seconds, look up at you, and say:
“I don’t know.”
It can be really tempting to jump in. You explain the directions, give a hint, or start walking them through the problem. Before you know it, you’re doing a lot more of the thinking than they are.
Sometimes kids really do need help. But other times, they just need a little more time to figure out what they already know.
The tricky part is knowing the difference.
Start by Figuring Out What “I Don’t Know” Means
“I don’t know” doesn’t always mean the same thing.
Your child might truly have no idea where to start. They might understand the first step but not know what comes next. They may be afraid of getting the answer wrong. Or they might just be used to asking for help as soon as something feels difficult.
Before explaining the problem, try asking a question instead:
“What part do you understand?”
“What is the question asking you to find?”
“Show me what you’ve tried.”
“Does this look like something you’ve done before?”
“What could you try first?”
You’re not trying to lead them straight to the answer. You’re just helping them get their thinking started.
Give Them Time to Think
This one sounds simple, but it can be surprisingly hard.
When kids don’t answer right away, adults tend to fill the silence. We ask the question another way. Then we give a hint. Then maybe one more hint.
Try waiting a little longer instead.
You can say, “Look at it one more time and see what you notice.”
They might still get it wrong. That’s okay. The point is to give them a chance to work through it before stepping in.
Help Them Find One Place to Start
Sometimes “I don’t know” really means, “I don’t know where to begin.”
Instead of helping with the entire problem, help your child find one small starting point.
For math, you might ask, “What information do you have?”
For reading, try, “Can you find the part of the story that might help?”
For writing, ask, “What’s one thing you know you want to say?”
Once kids get started, they often realize they know more than they thought.
Let Them Be Wrong Sometimes
It’s hard to watch your child work through a problem when you already know they’re heading toward the wrong answer.
You don’t always have to stop them.
Let them finish and then ask, “How did you get that?” or “Can you check it another way?”
Their wrong answer can actually tell you a lot. Maybe they misunderstood the question. Maybe they made a simple mistake. Or maybe there’s a skill they haven’t quite mastered yet.
And sometimes, when they go back and check their own work, they catch the mistake without any help at all.
Know When to Step In
Of course, there comes a point when a child really does need help.
If they’ve looked at the problem again, tried a strategy, and still have no idea what to do, continuing to ask questions can just make everyone frustrated.
At that point, it’s okay to help.
If you notice the same struggle happening over and over, though, pay attention to it. Your child may be missing a skill that the new work is building on. Catching a small gap early can make a big difference before the work gets harder.
You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers Either
Parents sometimes feel like they should be able to help with every homework question. You don’t have to.
Your job isn’t to know every strategy their teacher uses or remember exactly how you learned something years ago. Sometimes the best thing you can do is help your child figure out what they know, what they’ve tried, and what they still need help with.
The next time you hear “I don’t know,” try not to answer the question right away.
Ask one back.
You may find that your child wasn’t as stuck as they thought.
